Special Articles


If Heaven Used Voice Mail

Most of us have learned to live with and use voice mail. However, have you ever wondered what it would be like if St. Peter were to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and then hearing the following reply in return. Please press 1 for English, press 2 for Spanish, or press 0 for all other languages. After pressing the appropriate number, you would hear: Press 1 for requests, press 2 for thanksgiving, press 3 for complaints, press 4 for all other inquires.
After all this selecting and choosing, you hear: We are sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners at the moment. However, your call is important to us and we will answer it in the order in which it was received. The average delay is one lifetime. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to the Father, press 1; the Son, press 2; or the Holy Spirit, press 3. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while your are holding, press 4. Also, to find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 5. Enter his or her social security number, followed by the ‘pound sign’. In the event that you received a negative response, please hang up and redial using area code 666.
If you wish to make reservations for Heaven, please dial J-O-H-N followed by the numbers 3-1-6. To obtain answers to nagging questions about the age of the earth, dinosaurs, life on other planets, or the location of Noah’s Ark, please wait until you arrive.
We are sorry but our computers now indicate that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow!




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